


Raistlin's Daughter: The Musical Parody!

by allonsytotumblr



Category: Dragonlance - Margaret Weis & Tracy Hickman
Genre: F/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-06-03 14:15:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6613882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allonsytotumblr/pseuds/allonsytotumblr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You may remember the novella, Raistlin's Daughter. Now enjoy the musical parody!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Raistlin's Daughter: The Musical Parody!

Astinus, voice over, addressing the audience: Well guys, here we go.

The lights come up, showing our beloved Raistlin. All the females in the audience, ALL THE FEMALES, simultaneously swoon over the actor playing Raistlin and a flurry of estrogen-filled whispering breaks out, much to the annoyance of the people trying to video the show because they know they'll have to edit out the background noise. 

Also Caramon is there. Absolutely no one cares.

The twins go through the standard R/C dialogue, of Caramon saying something stupid, and Raistlin pointing out how stupid it was and then Caramon apologizing and then Raistlin coughing and then Caramon fussing over him. If you've read any of the books, you know what I mean. They reach an inn and enter. 

A woman walks on stage. She is your typical, ridiculous, objectified, 80's fantasy female. The audience recognizes her and hisses quietly. She sings about how she's been traveling for so long and needs shelter and also needs to have sex before she can go home. Her name is Amberyll, which is an atrocious name and whoever made it up, should be beaten for and appropriate amount of time.

She enters the inn. 

Astinus, voice over: Now the Irda had this thing called the Valin, a magical aphrodisiac. This is ridiculous. I mean, young males of ANY species not wanting to have sex? Crazy, right? It could even be argued that any species that doesn't naturally want to have sex deserves to die, but an historian is impartial, anyway...

The lights come up on the inside of the inn. Amberyll is saved from rape by Raistlin and Caramon.

Astinus, v/a: You can see how great this writing is already, rape as a plot device, how wonderful.

Amberyll, staring at Raistlin with her magical Mary-Sue eyes: Oh all the people I could chose to have sex with in this inn, I'll chose you, the one who'll enjoy it the least.

Raistlin: What?! Screw you!

Amberyll: Exactly.

She drags Raistlin outside and Caramon, who cannot imagine anyone not wanting to have sex, does nothing. 

Amberyll explains how they must have sex now or they will DIE! Because now they are bonded together with Irda magic. 

She grinds her body against Raistlin's and the audience cringes, like you do when you see a couple making out on the street. 

Raistlin: You are aware that this is non-consensual, otherwise known as RAPE, and I will prosecute you to the full extent of the law, as well as other horrible things I can think up?

Amberyll responds by pulling off his outer robe. The females gasp, but it turns out he's wearing another one underneath it.

She then sings a song espousing an incorrect version of love, like a Disney song but not G-rated. At its end she smashes herself against Raistlin again and the stage goes dark suggestively.

There is a long pause, while the audience sits, angry and horrified, in the dark and then Astinus walks on stage.

Astinus: None of that actually happened.

The people in the audience who didn't read the books begin sobbing with relief and the ones who did are thrilled nonetheless.

Astinus: Eighteen years later...

He exits and a young woman walks on.

Usha: Hi. My name is Usha Majere and I have long silver hair, about half way down my mid-back and golden eyes like limpid tears. I've been been told I look like Raistlin Majere. I'm actually related to him; he's my father. I'm really thin but I'm not anorexic, I just don't gain weight. I have huge boobs though, maybe that's where all my fat is. I've lived on an island with the Irda for eighteen years, but now I'm in Palanthas, looking for my father. And also, because my father's liked the most powerful wizard in the world, I'm pretty talented too.

She disappears in a cloud of smoke.

The Abyss with Palin, sometime later:

Palin: Raistlin? Are you here? I'm calling you back from the deadish because no one else will take me as an apprentice because of my low Magical Assessment Test score. I'm not stupid, I just don't test well. And also, there's this really really hot girl claims to be your daughter, but please tell her she isn't because-

Raistlin, appearing out of nowhere: Fine! Fine! I'm here.

Shrieking from the female audience. 

Raistlin: Why won't you let me sleep? 

Palin: Well, I need a tutor. And also there's this world is ending Gray Gem thing. Did I mention the world is ending? Oh! And, and, Crysania's still single so you two can get together and-

Raistlin: I will come if you stop talking.

Palin, fist pumping (AN: Do people even still do that?): Yessss!

They leave the Abyss. Usha is standing outside the portal. 

Palin: So this is Usha, who is NOT YOUR DAUGHTER, right, Uncle?

Raistlin: This Mary-Sue is not my daughter. She was created, not by some horrible woman drugging me, but by money grubbing authors, who wrote the long awaited story involving Raistlin and actual sex.

Usha: So...I'm not your daughter?

Raistlin: Gods, no!

Usha hurls herself at Palin and they end up pressed against the Tower's wall; nothing like this has ever been done in this place of dark sorcery before.

Caramon runs up the stairs.

Caramon: Raist!

He hugs Raistlin.

Raistlin: Do not lift me up!!

Caramon: And...he's flying!!

He lifts Raistlin off the ground. Palin and Usha break off their snogging long enough to watch this spectacle.

Raistlin, after he has been set down: Ugh, the only person I want to talk to is Crysania!

He storms off stage to defending applause. Astinus reappears.

Astinus: at this point you could watch Palin and Usha saving the world or Raistlin and Crysania having that meeting that's mentioned in Summer Flame. Which do you want?

The audience, who is either pleasantly intoxicated from either: looking at the lovely Raistlin, the thrill of getting away with their bootlegged recording of the show, or just plain intoxicated from the alcohol they brought with them, loudly indicates that they would like the latter.

Crysania sits on stage and Raistlin enters. Gentle gasps from the Raistlin/Crysania shippers.

Raistlin: When I was in the Abyss, I dreamed of you.

Crysania, lifting one eyebrow in an, 'Oh really, I am physically incapable of caring less,' gesture: I heard you had a daughter.

Raistlin: No, I-

Crysania: Honestly, Raistlin, if you wanted to have sex, you could have just asked me. I was quite willing, if you remember.

Raistlin, looks at her eagerly.

Crysania: Not now, idiot. I'm a chaste cleric, no longer filled with mind-consuming lust.

Raistlin's response is lost as the women in the audience shout various things at him, telling him that they are not chaste, or clerics, and will totally have his babies.

The actors do not break character, but a look of terror crosses the Raistlin actor's face.

Astinus, storming on stage: If you HORNY SIMPLETONS cannot control yourselves, I will end this performance right now, I really will!!!

The Females: Fine! [under their breathes] Jealous...

He exits and Raistlin and Crysania continue their dialogue as if nothing has happened. They sing a song KIND OF like some song, whose name I forget, in Love Never Dies; because they are both songs about what could have been but with a lovely ship, in an equally lovely musical, not a horrid one.

Raistlin: So, should we kiss now? I mean...for the sake of the audience.

He winks at the audience.

Audience: Smooth, bro.

Crysania: Fine.

They kiss passionately, despite Crysania's earlier 'chaste cleric' comment.

They exit, to be replaced by Astinus.

Astinus: Well, Palin and Usha did some stuff, and saved the world. And then Raistlin had to go and die for real.

Raistlin and Fizban walk on stage. Subdued cheers from the audience, as Fizban is one of those characters who everyone likes but no one loves.

They sing about love and lose and the changing of the seasons. It cannot been compared to anything in Love Never Dies, because LND SUCKS. The audience cries, the bootleggers quietly, and the intoxicated people- at slightly louder volume, although not loudly enough to drowned out the nice song.

They exit. The lights come up, on a group of emotionally distraught people. 

Fan One: Again tomorrow?

Fan Two: Hell yeah.


End file.
